Failing

This morning I took the oral comprehensive exam for my Master's Degree and to say it went worse than expected would be a dramatic understatement.  This is the exam I have worked nearly 3 years for; the exam that confirms my knowledge of the entire program; the last stepping stone to getting the degree.

Well, guess what?  I didn't pass it.  I am at a loss right now.  I really thought I had studied myself into the ground for this exam and truly felt I had refreshed my memory with concepts I learned years ago, in various classes along this road.  The truth is, they just didn't feel that I had through enough knowledge to grant me a passing score.  Did I directly fail?  No.  Not on paper, not in writing, but *I* feel like I failed it and I'm not the sort of person that allows failure to enter my life.  This does not sit well with me.

I can re-take the exam in October.  Until then, there's not much I can do about it except to continue studying and ensure this doesn't happen again in October.  As much as I'd like to blame someone or something else, it's entirely my fault for not being as prepared as I could have been and that plagues me to no end.  But, I guess what bothers me more is the idea that I thought today would mark another chapter closed in my life but now it is left open.  I'm indifferent about it.  I wanted so badly to be "done" and move forward but plans have changed entirely.

I will spend the next couple of months continuing to study.  What angers me is that I was missing files from the first two core (important) classes I took at the beginning of the program back in 2008.  Well, actually, they are not "missing", but located on an external hard drive 2,000 miles away from me and the "owner" of that hard drive purged the files from the hard drive months ago.  So, I was missing a large portion of study materials.  I cannot or will not blame him.  He didn't know I would ever need those files again.  I will re-purchase those textbooks from the courses (as much as it kills me to say that) and start from scratch using those books and new notes.

Let me end this by saying that I know I am not a failure.  This is just a minor setback.  I realize that not many people can say they have come this far in their education and the fact that I completed all of the coursework with next to a 4.0 GPA is an amazing feat in itself.  I am proud of myself for coming this far and well, if it takes me a little extra longer to make it to the finish line, I'm ok with that. 

Until then, I'm keeping the faith and remaining optimistic.  I've been through some really rough times in my life, particularly in the past year, and this is just one additional hurdle to get over.  If anything, it's building my character and strength...two things that challenge me every day.  If you read this, thank you.  Support means everything to me.

By the way, yesterday I turned 33 years old.  I can only hope that 33 will treat me better than 32 did.  It has to, right?  If it doesn't, well I'm at the end of my rope...