Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Bouncing Back

I've been looking back at past blog entries and realized that I sort of have the "peak" and "valley" affect when it comes to my blog entries.  One is happy, the next...not so much!  I assure you, I have a pretty great life overall so I don't mean to be such a Debbie Downer at times.  I'm just my own worst critic, I guess, so sometimes I tend to be a little hard on myself.  Onward and upward...

Anyway, I cannot believe how quickly this year has gone by!  I mean, it's nearly September already!!  September was a rough month for me last year and to say I went through a wave of emotions last September would be putting it mildly.  It's been nearly a year to the day since Bobby and I separated so I can't help but notice that.  It's also been 9 months since I moved back to my home state of California which I'm still so happy about.  After moving around the country for the past 8 years, I'm finally home again.  I've gotten the chance to visit family and friends which is really so nice.  I used to long for the days of being able to take a quick drive to see them and used to dread arranging plane tickets and coordinating time off work just to do that but now I don't have to sweat it.  I'm so thankful!

Work is going well.  I'm still classified as a Per Diem employee which is basically a fancy word for Part Time but as luck would have it, I've been able to pick up extra shifts so technically I've been working Full Time hours.  Even better is the possibility of going to Full Time here soon pending a coworker's resignation from her position to move to Santa Barbara with her boyfriend.  I'm already next in line for her spot since my boss has already asked me if I want it.  Do I want it?  Ha!  Does a bear sh*t in the woods?  Of course I want it!  I'm also loving the idea that their health insurance is through Blue Cross so it's awesome insurance but best of all, it's free for employees and dependants!  Yet another expense spared so that's a double bonus.

In other news, I have arranged for a photo shoot with an E-friend of mine, Amy, who is an excellent photographer!  She lives not too far from me and we have arranged for a photo shoot on September 4th.  I'm beyond thrilled to meet her in person and feel so priviledged to have her as my photographer.  I scored a dress today for the shoot which I think will work well.  It's been so long since I've had professional pictures done so this is loooong overdue!  It's time I do something for me, ya know?  Plus, I've been working semi hard at losing weight over the past year and a half and now I feel like showing it off a bit.  27 pounds and still losing.  Not to shabby, eh?  I feel GREAT!

Thursday, August 11, 2011


This morning I took the oral comprehensive exam for my Master's Degree and to say it went worse than expected would be a dramatic understatement.  This is the exam I have worked nearly 3 years for; the exam that confirms my knowledge of the entire program; the last stepping stone to getting the degree.

Well, guess what?  I didn't pass it.  I am at a loss right now.  I really thought I had studied myself into the ground for this exam and truly felt I had refreshed my memory with concepts I learned years ago, in various classes along this road.  The truth is, they just didn't feel that I had through enough knowledge to grant me a passing score.  Did I directly fail?  No.  Not on paper, not in writing, but *I* feel like I failed it and I'm not the sort of person that allows failure to enter my life.  This does not sit well with me.

I can re-take the exam in October.  Until then, there's not much I can do about it except to continue studying and ensure this doesn't happen again in October.  As much as I'd like to blame someone or something else, it's entirely my fault for not being as prepared as I could have been and that plagues me to no end.  But, I guess what bothers me more is the idea that I thought today would mark another chapter closed in my life but now it is left open.  I'm indifferent about it.  I wanted so badly to be "done" and move forward but plans have changed entirely.

I will spend the next couple of months continuing to study.  What angers me is that I was missing files from the first two core (important) classes I took at the beginning of the program back in 2008.  Well, actually, they are not "missing", but located on an external hard drive 2,000 miles away from me and the "owner" of that hard drive purged the files from the hard drive months ago.  So, I was missing a large portion of study materials.  I cannot or will not blame him.  He didn't know I would ever need those files again.  I will re-purchase those textbooks from the courses (as much as it kills me to say that) and start from scratch using those books and new notes.

Let me end this by saying that I know I am not a failure.  This is just a minor setback.  I realize that not many people can say they have come this far in their education and the fact that I completed all of the coursework with next to a 4.0 GPA is an amazing feat in itself.  I am proud of myself for coming this far and well, if it takes me a little extra longer to make it to the finish line, I'm ok with that. 

Until then, I'm keeping the faith and remaining optimistic.  I've been through some really rough times in my life, particularly in the past year, and this is just one additional hurdle to get over.  If anything, it's building my character and strength...two things that challenge me every day.  If you read this, thank you.  Support means everything to me.

By the way, yesterday I turned 33 years old.  I can only hope that 33 will treat me better than 32 did.  It has to, right?  If it doesn't, well I'm at the end of my rope...