Thursday, February 2, 2012

Hello Again!

Yikes, I haven't been around here to update my blog in what seems like ages!  I've had a lot going on lately and don't really know where to start...

Work is work and it consumes me.  I have been working the two jobs for the past few months now and when I think about it, it feel like the two have split into four.  I'm covering for a co-worker who went out on maternity leave a bit sooner than expected.  So, that put me into a whirlwind earlier than expected and I basically do the work of two people now.  She's expecting a baby boy on February 18th, but it sounds like he'll be coming sooner!  So happy for her :)

As for my other job, I'm still working 12-hour night shifts on weekends at the hospital.  I've been working nearly every Friday OR Saturday night for the past couple of months now since one of my co-workers there has been out on leave after foot surgery.  So, needless to say, I'm beat.  Averaging 52 hour work-weeks leaves virtually no room for a social life but hey, it's money!  I'm still stashing away for a house, which I hope to start actively looking at them later this year. 

In other news, last night I met up with an "Internet friend" who I never actually met in real life before last night.  So, we orchestrated a "date" at the Hog's Breath Inn here where I live.  Liz was gracious enough to drive out to me so that was fantastic.  She's such a sweet girl and I'm so very lucky to have had the opportunity to meet her.  Even more fantastic is the fact that her and her husband are in the process of adoption.  I wish them all the best and pray that they have a precious bundle very soon.  They deserve it so much!  Here's a picture of us at dinner.

Liz and I actually met on a website which subsequently became a group of infertiles who all struggled to have children.  I was in that boat once...well, the struggling to have a baby part anyway.  I'm obviously not actively trying anymore but sadly, I'll always be an infertile.  Just an unfortunate part of our lives but I really must say that some great friendships have evolved from that website.  For that, I'm truly greatful.

In related news, it seems I had an actual menstrual cycle recently.  Complete with ovulation and all.  Not such big news for someone without a fertility problem, but for me, it was a small victory.  I also received the results of my lab work from the Naturopath doctor I've been seeing.  As it turns out, my thyroid is fine but my cortisol levels are relatively low.  That would explain the lack of energy I was experiencing.  Also, my testosterone levels are extremely high.  That's pretty common with PCOS, however, I didn't expect a level well over 100 when the upper limit of normal is 55.  BUT, I am continuing on with the supplement and vitamin routine that the Naturopath carved out for me.  It might be the reason for me actually cycling on my own last month.  Not to mention, I feel better and have lots more energy, despite my always hectic schedule.

So, lots of progress here.  Even baby steps get you to the finish line and I'm always fine with baby steps.  Until next time, bloggers!

Sunday, January 1, 2012

A New Year, A New Me!

So the title is cliche but I'm saying it anyway!  Happy 2012 to all, I hope it's a great year to come!

Christmas here in my neck of the woods was wonderful.  It was just my mom and I, and my "boyfriend" (I hate that word because it seems so juvenile) stopped by for dinner and gifts.  We celebrated on Christmas Eve since I worked from 7 am to 7 pm on Christmas Day.  It's so hard to believe that this was Christmas #2 without my ex-husband.  I hate putting things in perspective like that but sometimes you just can't not think about those kinds of things, ya know?

Anyway, my New Year's Eve consisted of dinner and a movie with my guy.  I'm not much of a "goer outer" type in general, but particularly so on New Year's Eve with all the crowds and drunks and crazy drivers.  So, we made it a nice evening at his house with homemade lasagna.  Wild times, I know!

I can't say that 2011 was a good year.  I would rank it a solid 5 on a scale of 1 to 10.  It started out rough, adjusting to being alone again, adjusting to life back in California and adjusting to not having anything that was familiar.  However, it did bring good fortune in the form of employment which I am so thankful for in this pitiful economy with so many out of work. 

I really feel for some of my friends both on-line and in real life who, sadly, so many lost people in their lives.  Some lost their partners, friends, children and self-worth along the way too.  Those types of tragedies really break my heart and hit so close to home.  A couple of weeks ago marked the 10 year anniversary of a pregnancy that I lost.  It was an unplanned pregnancy, but certainly not unwanted.  Perhaps it was my first and only pregnancy that I will ever endure and that thought just eats me to the core some days, so I try my best to block it out.  In fact, I don't share this part of my life with many, so, if you're reading this with your jaw open because you had no idea, I'm sorry for the shock factor.  Finding out just days before Christmas and then suffering a miscarriage just days after New Years Day was not how I ever envisioned my life at the age of 24.  Later that year, I went on to graduate from College with my Bachelor's Degree.  I went skydiving.  I left a boyfriend.  I moved.  And, I went on to become the person that I am today.  I take nothing for granted and live every moment to the fullest.  You just have to.

I'm certainly hoping 2012 is a better year than 2002 was.  And the odds are definitely in my favor that this year will most certainly be better than 2010 and 2011.  I just don't think it's possible to get any worse!  I'm not the New Year's Resolution type (mostly because I never hold to them) but this year I will try my best and hardest to be a happier, more optimistic and loving person.  It's time I let go of the past, live in the present and love like I've never loved before.  It's the only thing left to do.

Happy New Year friends!  Here's to a wonderful 2012 for us all...

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Last sign-off before Christmas!!

It's been a productive Sunday of Christmas shopping, gift wrapping, laundry, housework and errand-running and all morning I told myself "don't forget to take 5 and update the blog!" but now that I've fired up the laptop and sat down to do it, I realize there's not much to update with!  So, this is the proverbial "randoms happs" blog entry which is just a compilation of the thoughts that compose of my crazy life lately.

A couple of weeks ago, my mom and I discovered that her dog, Angel, has 2 types of malignant cancer.  Needless to say, the news was (is) devastating since Angel (like most pets) is part of the family and has been my mom's greatest companion for the past 12 years.  Well, the prognosis is not good.  She stopped eating dog food and now eats a diet consisting of straight up people food which she may or may not even eat.  Heck, she eats better than I do on the average day but you know what, we'll do whatever it takes to prolong her life past the "few weeks" the vet suggested.  She's worth every struggle.

As if that news wasn't enough of a blow, the family cat also decided that her 18 years on this planet was all her little frail body could handle.  She was put down this past Friday and of course, wrecked my week and my mom's as well.  That cat saw me through high school (many moons ago), college, and many other pivotal points in my life.  She was always the first one to come to me whenever I came home.  R.I.P. sweet girl...

On a lighter note (hopefully), I'm still waiting on the results of the hormone testing that the Naturopath had me do.  I'm not quite sure what to expect.  At this point, I think I'm basically looking for something to be blantantly wrong.  You know, that "a-ha" moment when you pinpoint something that has been the cause for all your issues.  I could only be so lucky that one simple saliva test could reveal the foundation for my hormonal issues that I have endured my entire adult life, but one can hope, right?

In the meantime, I am still adhering to the vitamin and supplement regimen that the Naturopath put me on.  I've even added wheat grass into my daily routine.  One scoop of powder mixed with juice daily.  It's fairly nasty tasting but it's beneficial to my overall health so I'll choke it down.

Work is going well.  I'm averaging about 52 hours a week between 2 jobs but the trade-off for my lack of sleep and social life is a nice couple of paychecks to look forward to weekly.  I will be working Christmas day at the hospital so the family and I will celebrate Christmas on the Eve.  I'll see how I feel after the first of the year.  It's already starting to burn me out but that down payment on a house isn't going to find its way into my checking account on its own so it's up to me to make it happen.

I guess that's about it for the random happs around here lately.  Nothing too exciting but its an update nonetheless.  Then again, nothing is ever too exciting around here these days since I mostly just feel like a working slave to society...but at least I haven't lost my sense of humor!

Have a fabulous Christmas, friends! xoxo

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Hey friends!  I'm squeezing in an update here on this restful Sunday off!  I can't remember exactly where I left off last (and am too lazy to go check) but I survived my first week at the new job.  It was sort of chaotic as first weeks on the job usually are, but I'm learning quickly so that's a relief.  I've managed to score a few extra days on the schedule at my other job so I'll be working Thanksgiving and Christmass (boo!) and a few more days over the weekends as well.  It's definitely A LOT on my plate but it keeps me super busy and the extra money to buy a house will be sooooo nice!  Let's just hope I don't burn out quickly but for the time being, it will be manageable.

I saw a Naturopath for the first time a couple of weeks ago.  We went over a ton of things, mainly this persisting lack of energy/moodiness feeling over the past few months and she suspects that I may have a thyroid problem to some degree.  So, she loaded me up with some vitamins and supplements to take, as well as a shot of B-12 which supposedly helps with energy and mood stability.  I was sent off with a test kit which will test my hormones.  It uses saliva samples instead of blood.  The samples are collected 4 times during the course of a day (since hormone levels fluctuate throughout the day) and then when all 4 are collected, I seal up the kit and mail it to the lab.  Pretty cool stuff!  Anyway, the results take about 2 weeks and they will call me to go over the results and we'll go from there.

In the world of school, I got an e-mail about a week ago with the next test date for the oral comprehensive exam.  As luck would have it, it's December 12th, right in between the crazy holidays!  Needless to say, I wasn't too thrilled to have to coordinate the Holidays, a new job, an old job and the biggest test of my life all during the same time, so I blew off the e-mail until I could reach a decision.  After going back and forth with it, I've decided to tell them I will not be able to make the December 12th date and will wait until next year for a new test date.  I agonized over that decision but it's just the best decision for me at this point.  I need to save myself from insanity and adding more to my plate at this moment just isn't a wise thing to do.  Not to mention, I don't want to make the same mistake twice and fail this thing a second time because of lack of preparedness/time to study.  I have to say I feel like the weight has been lifted.  I can focus on work for the time being and maybe even have some time to actually look forward to the Holidays! 

Oh, this weekend marks the one year anniversary of me being back in California.  I just can't believe how much time flies.  It's just crazy to think about...

Have a Happy Thanksgiving friends!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Bumbling Updates - OMG it's November!

Hello, friends!  I cannot believe it's November already!  Every year goes by faster and faster as you age but this was ridiculously fast.  I've been living back in California now for nearly a year to the day and things are finally looking up for me.

Starting next Monday, November 14th, I'll have a new job at a local Country Club!  It's ironic because it's with the same Country Club I interviewed with back in July but got turned down when they chose someone else.  Well, yesterday they called me out of the blue and explained how a brand new position has just opened up and they remembered me and thought I would be a perfect fit.  It's nice to know that there are some decent, thoughtful people out there because let me tell you, I've been through the ringer numerous times this year with sketchy interviews/companies.  Anyhow, they offered the position to me on the spot so I start next week!

I plan to keep my other job at the hospital and tell them I will only be available on weekends.  I make a decent enough salary there to justify not leaving.  Plus, I need to earn and save everything I can if I want to make it to my house-buying goal next year.  So, this should work out *fingers crossed*.  I'll likely have little free time and working weekends will interfere with a social life (or current lack-thereof anyway) but I'm the type that works better with more on my plate.

In other news, I took it upon myself to find a Naturopath who specializes in hormone therapy and treatments.  Lately, I have been so up and down hormonal that I just feel like something is wrong that is just exacerbating this PCOS condition.  So, I have that initial 90 minute consultation tomorrow which I suspect will be very similar to the initial consult with the Reproductive Endocrinologist last year.  At this point, I'm just looking to be healthier, feel less hormonal, and perhaps even find ways to regulate cycles that have always plagued me one way or another.

I'll update again when I can.  Although, I expect the next few weeks to be hectic with work and the upcoming Holidays - yikes!  Hope everyone is doing well and looking forward to the Holiday season!

I'll add a little photo that I took this morning just to give you an idea of where I live.  In the background are the San Jacinto mountains which are just about a 25 minute drive to the base of the mountains.  Below that is Palm Springs.  One of the things I missed about living in the South was the lack of mountains/hills.  Makes for a really tough sense of direction!  Anyway, this is where I live and it can be so beautiful :)

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

October Fun!

Can you believe it's October already?!  Where has this year gone?!  As of today, we're finally seeing some mild temperatures which for here, in the desert, means temps in the double digits instead of triple.  As much as I'm a summer girl and love warm weather, I can safely say I'm ready now for Fall!

A very close friend of mine just flew into town today and is staying for the week.  Unfortunately, I won't be able to see her until Friday after work but I'm very much looking forward to it!  It will be nice to do some catching up and spend time together, especially since she just went through ( or shall I say 'going through') a recent break-up with a long term partner.  She was truly there for me to give support and encouragement through my divorce so I'll try like hell to return the favor for such a wonderful friend that she has been over the past 10 years.

In other non-related, graphic news, I have a bit of a dilemma currently in the world of 'woman-hood'.  I seem to have a mysterious period currently that has warranted a bit of extra concern.  Skip forward here if you believe in such a thing as 'too much information' or 'TMI'.  I've passed extremely large blood clots over the past couple of days in conjunction with some heavier than usual cramps.  I typically have non-eventful periods but for some reason, this one is like a wrecking ball straight to the girly bits.  I'm going to wait it out a day or two and see what happens but if this massacre type activity continues, I may pay a trip to the ER.  With PCOS, it's likely that's part of the culprit and a period every now and then that is out of the norm is probably typical so it's not too much of a concern yet.  At least...I can still function, that is.

As for my previous blog entry about my apparent 'smothering' episode, I'm fairly certain that is over now.  Maybe it was a moment of weakness or perhaps the PMS-like gibberish that spews forth from one's mouth when the period from hell is about to start, hell, I don't know but it's over now.  We had a great talk, and I do mean GREAT (thank you to my wonderful family therapist I saw last year who helped me to truly speak my feelings) and things are back on course with my man and I.  I just can't begin to explain how lucky I am to have him in my life.  He's so supportive despite my rollercoaster-type of ups and downs this year and I truly love that he's always there for encouragement and support.  Far more than I could ever ask for someone to be in the past. 

Oh, I've forgotten to mention this in the past few blog entries but there are some blogs that I read that I just cannot seem to comment on!  It drives me nuts!  So, if you don't seem to hear much from me, then I probably just cannot leave a comment on your blog.  Poo.  I'm so sorry but I truly try to keep up with you and the happenings in your lives.  That's all for now, friends!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Smothered Hash Browns, Yes Please! Smothered Relationship, No Thank You!

I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with the Waffle House restaurant, but it's quite popular down South and in parts of the Eastern Coast.  It's a cheap and dirty equivalent of IHOP, yet in my experience, it tastes much better after a late night out bar-hopping than it actually does for sober breakfast purposes.  Anyhow, they have an option there to serve their hashbrowns "covered and smothered" where they basically throw everything on there except the kitchen sink.  Quite tasty at 2am when the buzz is wearing off and you're about 47 minutes away from passing straight out.  However, I like my hasbrowns this way, but definitely NOT my relationships...

When one goes from the busy dating pool, to marriage at 27, and then back to the dating pool at age 32, it's a bit confusing to say the least.  I've found that the real challenge now that I've plunged off the high-dive back into the pool is finding the balance between maintaining my personal life (i.e. work, school, friendships, day-to-day grind, etc.) with a healthy relationship.  Seems easy enough in theory, right?  I mean, in my early twenties, I managed to hold down TWO jobs, full-time college courses, mild partying, friends, AND a boyfriend quite effortlessly.  Allbeit, I can guarantee I didn't sleep much, if hardly at all, and to what degree those "relationships" were healthy and stable is highly questionable.  So, I guess this post is more to seek advice than anything else because after consulting a few of my IRL female friends on this topic, I still feel bewildered by it all.

I've been dating someone now for the past four months.  I was set up with him by my mom who works at the same company he does.  Mind you, I was VERY apprehensive about dating at the time she set me up but I trusted that my mom (of all people) wouldn't steer me wrong with some loser, so I went with it.  Well, guess what?  He's everything she said he was and more!  Great, huh?  Now you're thinking "so what's there to complain about?". 

Well, truth be told, as the title suggests, I feel a bit 'smothered' here lately.  It's not that his intentions aren't good because trust me, they are!  However, I've always been a very independent person and my philosophy on dating is that you can have a healthy relationship without constant bombardment of personal space.  In fact, I'm the type that would rather see my SO maybe 1-2 times per week and talk on the phone maybe 2-3 times per week - anything more than that and it's a bit overwhelming in my book.  Sounds reasonable, right?  I'm by no means a needy person whatsoever and expect the same trait in my SO.  However, he calls me at least once a day, sometimes twice a day.  And, he would like to see me every day if he had it his way.  I don't know if it's just me, or if this is a bit excessive?  I feel a lot of pressure to keep up with this sort of "schedule" but sometimes I feel like it's just my own personal struggle.  It's not that he's checking up on me or acting posessive or whatnot, he's just quite honestly thinking of me and so picks up the phone to call and say "hi" - simple as that.  I enjoy the excitement of relationships and he completely adores me and complements me every day but quite honestly, I'm not used to that!  I'm a firm believer in the notion that a new relationship does not have to consume your every moment and transform the person that you are.  I'm a realist and quite frankly, I've watched too many friends fall into the "I have a new boyfriend and now I'm dropping everything for him" routine - blech!  I don't know how they allow that to happen as just that thought alone makes me suffocate a little on the inside.  I mean, come on.  Day-to-day life still exists, I still work, have obligations, school, friendships to maintain, etc. so I don't feel the need to make a dating relationship the root of my essence.  Know what I mean?  I think the problem here is that he enjoys making me the center of his entire universe while I'm, quite simply, just not like that.  And now that I've typed out the previous sentence, I'm really not even sure if you can even call it a "problem" to begin with.

Now that you're thoroughly confused and this post has turned into a novel, I just basically am torn with where I stand.  Are my 'smothered' feelings validated?  I know I need to sit down with him and let him know how I feel but I've played it over in my head and am beginning to realize that there's no easy or graceful way of saying "ok, buddy, I need some space, let's slow down..oh, and don't call me so much" without sounding like an unappreciative B*.  Or is there a way?  I honestly never dreamed I'd be sitting here blogging about a relationship where I'm actually complaining about getting doted on too much - typically in the past I've had relationships where I'm teetering on the last rung of the ladder so it was always a non-issue.  Now, I'm at the top of his priorities and yet, I'm feeling strangely overwhelmed.  Is this legit?  Don't get me wrong, I fully and completely appreciate his attentiveness and loyalty, believe me, I do!  I went too many years feeling like an afterthought so I'm thrilled to be at the forefront of someone's concerns.  However, I'm just a bit rusty with dating and well, having trouble figuring it all out again.  Advice?

Uncovered Hashbrown