Symbolism

I never quite explained the photo of that pretty little drink, did I?  Well, I chose that photo for my blog header because it’s quite symbolic of a few things.  First off, that’s a delectable Florida Hurricane made with Rum, 151, Coconut, Key Limes, Grenadine, Pineapple and a splash of a few other addictive goodies.  It was the mixed drink that took my Key West, Florida virginity. ha!  That was also the trip that Bobby was supposed to go on alone for business.  Instead, he sneakily called my work 2 days beforehand to get the approval for me to be “out” for a couple days because he had already booked me a ticket to accompany him!  It was also the mini-vacay that just so happened to be right before our 4^th wedding anniversary last year.  I loved every second of his spontaneity sometimes.

Anyway, we sat down to eat burgers after a day of cruising around famous Duval Street, seeing all the sights, people-watching, goofing off and whatnot.  We conversed about nothing in particular, yet everything at once – a typical conversation for us.   We kinda threw around the idea of wanting to move to the Keys someday.  We had lived in Northern Florida before, but never that far South.  Yes, it is hurricane alley down there, but that’s just how we rolled – sporadic, spontaneous, fruity, rebellious – a little like my mixed drink, you might say. 

Well, that conversation also led to other topics, such as the topic of children.  Not the first time it had come up, but definitely one of the most telling in terms of reactions.  The topic itself always seemed to “frighten” him in some way, and each time it came up, he seemed increasingly withdrawn.  I could sense it.  That’s when I confided that I thought there might be something wrong with me, you know, in the “girly” region that might indicate foreshadow our troubles ahead… 

I took a photo of my drink that afternoon and now, I’m glad I did.  As silly as it sounds, it’s probably the most inadvertent, yet most symbolic photograph that I’ve ever taken.  It was mixed with emotion and fear, bitterness, denial, doubt, skepticism, greed, betrayal and love – all of the things that now symbolize the past year of my life.

Our one year anniversary of that trip passed recently and this picture speaks a thousand words to me, every time I look at it.  I’m glad I have the opportunity to share it here and what it means to me. 

Here's another photo of a Key West sunset that I snapped during that trip to leave you with.  Maybe someday I'll have the chance to go back...

Pills

Seems I swallow a lot of them lately. Both, in the literal and figurative sense.

For the most part they do me good but some are tougher to swallow than others. Like for example, the pill I've been avoiding which is to change my married name back to my maiden name. I wanted this from day one, when I filed the divorce paperwork. Just made sense to restore my birth name, as if it's wiping away a memory. It's just the angry cloud that looms over my head. Heck, I still have bills and credit cards gimmicks that come to me in my maiden name and I haven't used that last name in nearly 5 years.

Maybe it's a sign. A sign that I should just swallow the damn pill already and just let it all go. I'm finding a lot of things these days are tough to do. Every time I turn around, there's a new pill to swallow and something else to "let go" of. I do sit back at times and wonder. Wonder what the future has in store for me and when, just when does swallowing pills get any easier? Unfortunately, I don't have that answer and probably won't for some time, but had I known my medicine cabinet would turn into the world of wonder, I think I may have been better off leaving it shut. Some pills you just can't avoid. And sadly, most dark clouds that taunt, don't just go away on their own.

Heartbreak

It's a familiar feeling for most in this world, but to varying degrees.

But recently, an internet aquaintence in the blogger world experienced the most devastating loss a woman could possibly feel -- the sudden and unexplained loss of her infant daughter. A thought that no one would even want to think about, imagine, even believe it could happen to them or someone they know. She was taken too soon and seemingly, without purpose.

This tragic incident got me thinking. How many times do we as human beings complain? We complain about traffic, the guy that cut us off on the freeway. We complain about homework and tests and the frustration of deadlines. We complain about work and co-workers. We complain about siblings, spouses, children, parents, friends and people we hardly even know. We complain about other random people and we even complain about their complaints. Why do we take these things for granted?

Why even complain when you know deep within your soul that you really have nothing to complain about? When you consider that your complaints are absolutely trivial and in the grand scheme of things, you're complaining really just to satisfy a momentary set-back in life or to justify some inner annoyance at the time. At least you are on this Earth to complain in the first place.

Consider the next time you feel the urge to complain. Is it worth it? Are your children in good health and resting peacefully while you complain? Are you and your family and friends in good health? Do you really have reason to be complaining about whatever it is you are complaining about? Is your heart broken in any way?

I've started to realize that there are bigger things in this life to be thankful for. There are events which we can and cannot control. Lives can change in an instant. People enter and exit lives for reasons. Some reasons are a part of God's plan for something bigger. And other reasons go unexplained. And just when I start to think the world is crashing down around me, I have to stop, take a time-out and realize that I know in my heart that I really have everything to be thankful for. Not everyone has that luxury.

Valentine's Schmalentines

Well, just got a call back from the HR gal and guess what? Breaks don't exist apparently. That's right, the job went to someone else. That someone else happened to be the wife of a dude that works there already. I was in shock that the HR gal actually told me that but not so shocked because that's the "Real World" for ya. The "good ole' boy" system - where you get a job based on who you know and has nothing to do with your qualifications (or lack thereof). Sadly, I know the process all too well. I was that wife who got a job based on this exact scenario. And, I know at the time I wasn't the most qualified candidate and that I possibly ripped it from the hands of someone more qualified and more deserving. It just plain sucks. I know I rocked those two interviews to pieces. NO ONE is/was more qualified than I am so that just goes to show it's all about who you know. This wouldn't have been such a blow to the girly parts if this job didn't pay so well or have awesome benefits. I feel like the pot of gold was snatched from my hands after waiting patiently for over a week to claim my prize. FML :/

To top it all off, I greeted the door this afternoon after the bell rang and there was a box on the doorstep from 1-800-Flowers, so excitedly I picked it up and as I read the name and address on the box, realized it was for my neighbor.

Yeah, Happy Valentines Day to me.

Breaks

Wow oh wow has time passed. Here I thought I was keeping up and maintaining and what do you know, it's been nearly a month since my first post!

Think I can safely sum up the last few months with one word; Hectic. But, what else is new? That's been my life for the past 32 years and well, I'm still wondering where my "break" is. Does such a thing even exist? Despite all of my life accomplishments, I still continue to feel as though I'm in a perpetual state of sitting idly by at the start line. I guess that's what you get when you feel like you've worked so hard at "starting over" that you take a look back and realized you have yet to pass the starting line. Make sense? Probably not, ha! For now, I'll chalk it up to the quicksand effect that has taken a hold over my life lately. It seems, no matter how hard I try to get out of it, it just sucks me in and drains me physically, mentally and emotionally.

I guess it's all relative to what you perceive as moving forward. I mean, I'm knee deep in class right now with a midterm this weekend (already!) and the job outlook is slowwwly looking a little more promising. I interviewed yesterday with a local hospital here. The job itself is fabulous and the pay leaves me absolutely salivating beyond all realistic belief. Progress? Yes, especially since they called me back today for a second interview on Friday! Imagine that, someone is interested in what I have to offer. What a novel idea and such a drastically different feeling than I have experienced in recent months. I'll be patient like always and of course update on the outcome as soon as I know...

Maybe a break is in store for me. Of course, I never hold my breath for such a thing since I've never, ever had any such luck on my side but I take each day for what it's worth and count my blessings that seem so far and in between. I guess my one true saving grace is that I've always found the little things in life to make me happy. I'll continue to live by that grace, as sometimes that's all I have.

Thanks for reading, dear friends.

Testing...Does This Thing Work?

Alright, alright, so I had this Epiphany tonight on this 2nd day of January, 2011 (I know, epiphany...crazy talk, right?). I mean, as a 32-year-old "career student" with an undergrad degree in Communication (emphasis in journalism) who should just take up part-time term paper writing for a minimal fee, I thought maybe I could put those writing talents to work and officially start a blog. You see, I have been a blog follower (though self-admittedly not very religiously) of several friend's blogs but never fully developed my own until now...

I figure, this is a great avenue to let out my emotions and express my feelings in hopes that I can embarrass myself repeatedly in front of my blog follower friends and family (ok, well, kidding on the embarrass part but you get where I'm going). Well, the fact of the matter is, the year of 2010 was apparently just plain and simply, not my year. I mean, it started off with a bang. Work was fantastic, my husband's career was really on the move. We traded our brand new rental house in the suburbs "digs" for a super fancy and ultra "plush" condo on the beach. He graduated from college with a Bachelor's while I continued working feverishly on my Master's. Our efforts to "finally" begin to expand our family were fully underway and then BAM, like a bat out of hell, the first whammy came.

To make an extremely long story short, after about a year of trying to get "knocked up" with no success, I decided to go to the next level and made an appointment to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist (for when those dang OB/GYN's just ain't cuttin' the mustard). At my initial consult in June, a review of my family history and after numerous blood tests and getting poked and prodded around, the RE confirmed what I already suspected and I was diagnosed with a relatively common disorder which (among other things) effects women's fertility and consequently, my own. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) is the name of it. It is characterized by insulin resistance and is the precursor to diabetes and obesity. And yes, like the name suggests, I also have multiple little cysts that have set up shop on my ovaries on a somewhat permanent basis. I can thank my lovely genetics for that precious gift which is partly responsible for this disorder. The other part is just plain ole' nasty luck. No, there is no cure for PCOS but yes, there are multiple treatment options that don't involve plowing into my girly parts or anything of the sort. Nah, but seriously, it's under control with the help of modern medicine and other than a few pesky symptoms now and then, it really is manageable with diet, exercise and a few OTC herbal supplements of choice. Overall, I am in FANTASTIC health so no real worries there...for now.

So, now that I've shocked your system (for those who didn't know), let's move onto the #2 whammy (which was assisted by whammy #1); my split from my husband of 4 years. Before I move onto the male-bashing portion of this post (ha, kidding!), I would like to express my sincere regard for any other couples out there who have struggled with the idea of having children or not. It is such a difficult struggle to go through, particularly when one partner is into the idea and the other isn't fully committed to it, or in my case; he "changed his mind". I will not go into detail about that struggle between us (perhaps, another day if/when I care to re-live those emotions again) but for now, I respect him for his choice and I can only thank him for giving me the freedom to move on and more importantly, the ability to *hold on* to something very precious to me - the possibility of being a mom someday. Whether or not that actually happens is really in God's hands at this point. But, it's fun to think of the possibilities nonetheless and maybe you can follow my crazy journey, wherever it may lead.

My goal here is not to focus on one specific area in my life or one particular direction, but rather, it is intended to provide a little glimpse into who I am, and what my life consists of at any of my random moments in time. And, let's just be blunt, I've kept my private life a little "too" private over the years and well maybe I owe it to someone, somewhere to be a bit more open with the things I share. I titled this blog the way I did because quite honestly, my life right now is yet another blank canvas. I've done and seen and lived a lot in the past 32 years and none of which of my life experiences I would trade for the world. I'm proud to say that I'm ready to move forward and see where this crazy, random world takes me. And maybe, just maybe I can be an inspiration or provide some guidance to someone else out there following my blog.

Please bear with me as I get this ball rolling. With work opportunities pending right now (like the dark cloud looming over my unemployed head) and school starting up on Jan 18th, I'm not quite sure just how much "spare time" I will have to update my blog. But, I do know that if you've made it this far, KUDOS to you and you can now put the kleenex away (ha ha ha). Cheers to post #1 and here's to many more!